I have a recurring dream. In it, I am swimming in chocolate pudding (against the tide), seven first graders are talking to me simultaneously, my principal keep throwing forms on top of me so that I find it difficult to stay above the surface, and during the entire dream sequence, I keep hearing over the loudspeaker that I am late for a meeting. Then I wake in a cold sweat and…No, wait a minute. That’s impossible. It couldn't have been a dream. I haven't been dreaming lately. I’m too exhausted. I fall into a coma when my head hits the pillow and need a defibrillator and caffeine IV's to come out of it in the morning. I’ve been setting my alarm for four a.m. just so that I can get everything done. The last two weeks have been busy beyond belief. Apparently, the whirlwind I’ve been living in since my first day on the job is a mere foretaste of the last month of school.
Everything seems to have escalated. The grading, the push to finish curriculum, the before and after school meetings, the disruptions during the instructional day, the student illnesses, the before and after school meetings, the assessments, and the before and after school meetings (have I mentioned meetings?). And almost daily, it seems, there are new forms magically appearing in my mailbox at school with ominous titles like, End of Year Classroom Inventory, and Requisition Form. And of course, the obligatory report cards that need to be filled in and mailed out (and yes, this time they WILL be stapled to my forehead so that I don’t lose them again).
I was also drafted in the second round to be on the teacher’s negotiations team as recorder. Now THAT was an experience. Both sides were serious as heart attacks. I tried to warn my fellow teachers that I was probably the wrong person to be sending into the war room. I’m just happy to be getting paid. After two decades of being a stay-at-home mom and then spending big dollars for tuition to get my education degree, I am THRILLED to actually have money flowing TOWARDS me. Instead of playing hardball with the school board reps, I would probably do something foolish like forfeit any future raises out of gratitude for hiring me. I was told, “Just write, Mrs. Dahl. Leave the talking to us.” I’m glad to report I did not ruin talks and the union did not have to throw bricks through my windows.
On top of it all, my principal reminded me that I was required to do a day of observation to satisfy my New Teacher Mentor program requirement. Ughhh! Another day to be gone! (I had just got back from my son’s college graduation in Illinois). I now know why good teachers don’t take days off. It has nothing to do with dedication to their profession. It’s just too stinkin’ hard to prepare for a sub.
I will hasten to say that my observation day was amazing. I asked my principal to find the best of the best for me to shadow and he really came through. She was inspiring, encouraging, and competent. It was a fabulous day and I couldn’t take notes fast enough.
But here I am, with only four days of school left. WHAT??? How did that happen? We’re just starting to get the hang of this first grade thing. I know them, they know me, we have a comfortable routine…it somehow seems wrong that it’s over just when things are clicking. I can’t believe we’re DONE.
As I dog paddle furiously to keep my head above water, I have been bombarding myself with questions about my teaching performance. The question that hangs over my head like a lumberjack’s Widow Maker is, “Am I an effective teacher?” I posed that question to my principal. On a yellow sticky note I jotted down three questions for him. The first was the question just listed, the next was, “How can I know if I’m effective?” and the third was, “What adjustments do I need to make for the fall?”
He thoughtfully considered my questions for a few moments before answering. He’s a data guy, so of course assessments topped his list. He also mentioned my self-assessment I had filled out at the beginning of the year. Was I making progress in my listed weak areas? (I was actually student teaching when I filled it out. What did I know???), and then he asked me to take the mood temperature of my classroom environment. Are my students happy? Do they seem to be enjoying school? Does my gut instinct tell me they are learning?
My reply was laughter. Yeah, we’re having a ball. But does it come at the expense of learning? My teaching approach is very hands-on exploratory. I think in many ways it’s an extension of my mothering style. I could tell my own children how something worked, but I would rather just show them. They learned about the plant life cycle in the garden, they learned about sex and childbirth by working with our livestock. They watched ewes give birth to steamy, slimy lambs. They leaned that just because a mother can bring life into this world doesn’t automatically mean she’ll be a great caretaker. They watched us go to great lengths so save ill or dying animals and they learned that dying is just a natural part of living. Life on a farm is such a beautiful living laboratory. A microcosm of the world at large. My sister-in-law was once amazed to hear my 6-year-old daughter describe the birthing process and use the term afterbirth. Hannah had been witness to many births. Her mid-wifery skills were well honed early.
So as I wind down one school year and begin to plan for the next, I need to know. Am I doing it right, or do I need a major policy shift in my approach? True, I faced some very real academic challenges with this, my first bunch of students. But could I have done more, or are they as far along as any other teacher could have gotten them? I wish I had a definitive answer.
I pressed my principal. AM I an effective teacher? His answer? “Yes, you are an effective teacher, but you’re not as good as you WILL be.” A careful, safe, diplomatic answer. I understand that I will make myself crazy if I expect too much from myself right now, because the fact remains, I AM a new teacher. I don’t have the years of experience behind me to check myself against. It’s all pretty subjective right now. Maybe you, the reader, think I’m digging a little too deep into the intangible and should just heave a sigh of relief that summer vacation is here and call it a day on the 2010-11 school year. Maybe. But that’s not how I roll.
Cause you see, I don’t want to merely be a good teacher. I want to be a GREAT teacher. I want positive results that will have a lifetime impact on the kids who troop through my door every fall. I haven’t been putting in 70-hour weeks just so I can be average. Average is not acceptable. I want more than that.
With all of these self-reflections spinning around in my head for days, I read a message penned for me by one of my kids at home. I was supposed to call a parent on a Sunday evening. I’m learning that a call at home from a parent may or may not be a positive experience. There’s always a bit of trepidation as you dial their number. I should have dialed joyfully, for the conversation I was about to have was uplifting and encouraging beyond description. She had a small bit of information to relay for the coming Monday, but then the conversation turned reflective. “I want you to know, my son has had a great half-year with you,” she began. “He has come far I really feel.“ A warm glow began to spread through me. As proof of evidence she added, “He’s been collecting caterpillars like crazy to bring to school. He even caught a moth and wanted to share it with the class.” I smiled picturing my student with a jar shoved full of caterpillars. “And that’s not all.” Her words were rushing now. “He looks at the newspaper at home everyday for familiar words. And when we are out in public, he recognizes words you’ve introduced in the classroom.” I couldn’t stop the grin on my face. This student had improved in the four months we had been together, his assessments showed that clearly. But to hear that he was engaged in learning OUTSIDE of the classroom filled me with such gratification, that I nearly turned cartwheels right there in my kitchen.
So as I begin my last week of my first wade into the pool of teaching, I still have questions that I will continue to ask of myself and of those that will give honest feedback, but I also know that I have had a least some successes. Are they enough?
That is a very good question. The future will tell.
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