“Hello? Yes, this is Vonda Dahl. I’d like to report a lost card. Well, seven of them to be exact. No, not a credit card. No, these are cards of a different sort. These are REPORT cards. Yes, you heard me correctly. I LOST ALL OF MY STUDENTS’ REPORT CARDS. Yes, ma’am. That would be correct. I am indeed, a LOSER teacher. I mean, what kind of teacher loses report cards, for crying out loud!?! I’m sorry, what? Yes, as a matter of fact I am brushing up my resume. Thanks for asking…”
Yeah, that’s right. I really did lose all my student report cards. Well, not really LOSE. They are in the building somewhere. I had them at lunch. I set them in my mailbox so that I could hand them to the principle for perusal. When I went to grab them later to carry to his office, I-COULD-NOT-FIND-THEM-ANYWHERE! Can you sense the panic in my words????!! I was frantic. Well, not right at first. I mean, I misplace things all the time. I have left my car keys in every imaginable spot on earth. I have tucked my credit card in my jacket pocket and forgot about it on many occasions. I have found odd items in the freezer (you do this stuff too, right??). But how could I have misplaced something so important as my precious lambs’ report cards my first time out of the gate?? Let me assure you, I felt like a complete idiot!
I didn’t really want to share my blond moment right away, so I just kept going back to the same places and looking vainly for the vanishing papers to pop out at me and yell BOO. The science teacher finally said to me, “Why do I keep finding you here?” Uhhhhh…… was my articulate answer. When the bell rang at the end of the day, I kicked Operation Tear School Apart into high gear. Shelves, piles of papers, and books were gone through 47 times (roughly). Nothing. I tried closing my eyes and relaxing (hard to do when your blood pressure in nearing stroke level). I pleaded with the Lord Almighty to send Gabriel himself to give me a divine revelation. Nothing.
The janitor walked in to grab my trash and very perceptively asked, “Have you lost your mind?” YES!! OK, time to pull someone into my circle of trust. “I can’t find my report cards,” I nearly sobbed. She was instant take-charge. “OK, do not panic!” Too late. She was at my side in an instant poking, moving, prodding, looking, looking, looking. Nothing. She disappeared and then reappeared like The Man of Steel during a wardrobe change. “I just went through your garbage. It’s not there.” Sigh….
Time to face my colleagues. This was bigger than the janitor and me. With heavy heart and concrete legs I headed to the workroom. There I confessed my first year teacher sins like the chastised newbie I was. Sympathy and looks of understanding all around. “We’ve all done it,” I was reassured over and over. I think they were just trying to be kind, but it helped (a little). Some even came immediately to my room to help search. Nothing.
Now to face the real test of my embryonic career. I had to tell the principle. I had to really pep talk myself into that one. “Well, I got hired once. Maybe some other school will hire me as well. No wait, you’re forgetting that schools check criminal backgrounds AND whether or not you can hold onto your report cards. Well, teaching was fun while it lasted….”
He just stared at me. “You lost your report cards?” Gulp. “Yes.” More staring. “Would it help to know that I lost only the top copies? I still have the originals.” Relief came like a melting glacier. “Well, that is no big deal then. We’ll simply make photocopies and mail those out. TRY to find your copies, but if you can’t, it’s not the end of the world.” Really? I shaved 2.4 years off my life and it’s not a big deal? Such unspeakable relief!!!
I still haven’t found those crazy things. I’m beginning to think one of my more enterprising students picked them up and is holding them for blackmailing purposes. I just can’t believe I haven’t stumbled across them yet.
In the course of one day I felt panic, humiliation, frustration, self-reproach, warmth from my coworker’s understanding, and blessed, blessed relief. It was quite a day. I really hope I don’t experience another one of those for …… well, forever. But I will. You and I both know that it won’t be the last time I do something stupid and have to face consequences of some sort.
But in the end, it will be OK, and I will have learned something valuable from it. What I learned from this experience was, nothing is ever as terrible as it seems at the time. Life goes on. And I learned that during report card time I should staple them to my head. It would be less painful than what I went through.
Maybe I should go check the freezer…..
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